Advert Calendar

Today marks the launch of my 'Advert Calendar', that's right Advert not Advent. This is an Art Project which I hope will add fun to the festive season and I hope to sell some Art work too. I recently heard a song called "Who took the Merry out of Christmas"?. Well I'D like to put it back in again. Christmas in my opinion has got far too commercial; but everything I sell is made/designed by me not a big manufacturer. I'm more like the toymaker out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (Benny Hill). This project raises a couple of serious points too. Like can humour help in Advertising and will people accept that my pieces are actually art?. People may look at my t-towel holder and think that's expensive for a t-towel holder or they may look at the same item and think that's cheap for a piece of Modern Art. All the products advertised in the Advert Calendar are genuine things I have made and are for sale. I hope you like it; I hope you buy something and I hope you have a laugh. Feel free to comment with your suggestions. As it's the 1st December I have opened the first door  :-)

Here are some other pieces of Artwork I've done of Mrs. Thatcher

So, it's day 2 of the 'Advert Calendar" are you hooked yet?

So here we are at Day 3 of the 'Advert Calendar' and 'what's behind the door today?'              ...It's only a 'Big Ego' Massager!
So far Mrs T's A'ole is proving very popular but I've just had word that Vladamir Putin has received the 'Big Ego Massager' he ordered from me and he is enjoying the benefits whilst holidaying at a famous Russian resort by the lakes. He's reportedly feeling absolutely fabulous! This advertising Campaign couldn't go any better!...(actually I havent sold one yet :-/)

---

Jeremy collecting his Mrs T-towel holder today

Day 4 and the door is open!
​(This is actually a serious one today)
​Here is my 'Travelling the Road' design T-towel, using the unique pattern of the Tartan I have designed and registered with The Scottish Register of Tartans. I never realised how difficult designing a Tartan would be. There are sites that provide tools to help you design a tartan, but if you register it when you have used their software they want a percentage of the price per metre when it is sold. This meant that basically I would have to learn the art of weaving (I bought myself a 1950's Spear's children's weaving loom) and taught myself all about looms, dents, warp and weft, thread count, sett's, half sett's etc. etc. The name 'Travelling the Road' is a reference to my experience of living and travelling on the road in the U.K. The black  background represents tarmac, the double yellow and red lines represent no stopping, the double white lines represent the no overtaking lines down the centre of the road, and the tiny thin green line represents the lay-bys and very few areas left to park on before the inevitable  evictions.

Day 5. and are you Tongue Tied?...Todays piece of Art- A choice of Satin or Cotton Designer Scarf, unique and designed and made by me... feel free to comment! 

Day 6 and I'm throwing this in the mix, ... A canvas stretched print of a bunch of (Ar*se*****)...ahem I mean Flowers...

Nigel collecting his canvas today :-).

Day 7 and the back door is open once again!

It was sooo funny today when purely by co-incidence Theresa May and Arlene Foster turned up at exactly the same time to collect their 'Bunch of A-holes ' brooches they'd ordered from me at www.multitalentedartist.com . Seriously this is Turner prize winning stuff , somebody needs to nominate me quickly!

Day 8 and the 'Advert calendar ' is going really well !.....
Yesterday somebody said to me I've been reading your blog and why haven't you put any of your lovely 'nice' jewellery for sale?. It's all rude stuff you've been putting up and you make such lovely jewellery. Then I had a bit of self analysing and realised I've probably got Art Tourettes. (Hmmm I just realised that word is spelt Analy sing and I for one don't fancy  anyone singing me a song from that hole). Anyway so today; on day 8, here is a different kind of 'nice' ring.

Alice giving a 'Thumbs Up' wearing her ring

---

Day 9 and it's K9!.... (maybe I should have taken the advice of my Art teachers and got a job writing headline 'puns' for The Sun Newspaper)...

Advert Calendar day 10...and it's 'Life and Death' all over again, and again and again!,
Cor blimey you'll never believe what happened today? I was quietly sitting there having me Sunday Dinner when there's a knock at the door "Who is it?" I shout.. 
"It's me Sigmund Freud,
I've come here in my Time Machine to buy your version of "Life and Death".....well I never?.....

By the way, if you like what I do and want to win a unique sterling silver "Hello Sh*tty' ring made by me, then have a look at my facebook page multitalentedartist https://www.facebook.com/blingandting/ if you like and share it before Christmas eve you will be entered into the draw on Chritmas Eve....Good Luck and share away... Thanx. .

Link to multitalentedartist's Facebook page

Day 11 and welcome to Hard Core heaven!
Funnily enough in the past I have sold a pair of these each, to two' legal eagle' types. They have enormous fun wearing them to court. There's nothing like feeling naughty when you are being serious!... But guess what?, you'll never believe what happened today!. I was beavering away in my workshop when I kept hearing this rustling noise outside. "What the Dickens IS that noise?" I thought to myself. So I cautiously opened the door and guess what?..It was only Meghan Markle! "Blimey what are you doing here", I said. "Well", she said... (spoiler alert!)..."Unless I can buy a pair of your Special Brew cufflinks for Hairy to wear on our  Wedding Day then the wedding is off!".(I've noticed she always calls him Hairy not Harry, which makes me chuckle). "Hold your Horses Madam!" I said, "I'll see what I can do"............She could not contain her excitement as she left carrying a pair of my cufflinks. "It's on again!" she shouted and headed off with THE most enormous grin......Well I never? 

'Advert Calendar' Day 12 come and have a 'Special' delve....
I am seriously having the strangest week…. This morning I was listening to Ken Bruce’s ‘Pop Master’ when there’s this tap at the window. “Oi! Oi!” came the voice.  I looked up, only to see it was His Royal Highness Prince Harry!
I leapt to my feet to let him in, as it was still frosty outside. “Come on in Your Royal Highness” I stuttered, “how can I help you Sir”?
‘Well blud it’s like dis”, he replied. “I hear you’re packing Brew Earrings, and I’m gonna have me sum innit?”. “Gosh”, I said ”What is it with you Royals and Special Brew?”. “Me and me Bredren just can’t get enough of it; and we fink it’s funny see, with da crown on it and dat”, he replied. “Does Her Majesty the Queen know about your love of it?” I asked. “Ah me Nan loves it too, True Dat!” he replied, “and guess what tabs she smokes as well?”. “I’ve no idea?” I said mystified. “Regal!”
Right at that very moment a wall of the most appalling smell hit me, the essence of which was Special Brew mixed with Roast Swan! . “I’m outta here mate!” spluttered the laughing Royal; and he gingerly sloped off WEARING the earrings! Well, you could have knocked me down with a Prince of Wales feather!
​

Above is an Antique Painting of Woman with a Special Brew earring.
Below is a pic of the earrings being made by me in my workshop.
Bottom pic- Gorgeous Girls wear them too!

'Advert Calendar' Day 13....(Lucky for some?) hmmm, does Superstition rule Supreme?

This month has been mad enough already, but I’m having to pinch myself to believe what has just happened! .....
I popped outside to change the gas bottle for my soldering torch and who’s sat there just looking at me with a look of relief in his eyes?
.......It’s was only Stephen Hawking!... Yep...
“Goodness me”, I said “You gave me a right start Stephen, what on earth are YOU doing here?’
(Computer robot voice)…”You madam are a F*cking Genius!”…….
Well you could have blown me away right there and then…Stephen Hawking calling ME a genius!
(Computer robot voice again) “Your theory on rainbows being made of ‘Unicorn Farts’ could have saved me so much time over the years explaining to people the science of how rainbows are formed. If only I had bought one of your brooches years ago I could have answered all those people by just pointing at my brooch.
Please! Please! Could you put your very talented hands to work again to create another, different themed brooch for me to buy from you as well as this one for just £24.99?”
I hastily replied ‘Yes of course, I would be very proud to Stephen. What sort of brooch would you like me to make for you?”
Stephen Hawking -“The question is Black Holes and how are they formed? -  Golf balls are the answer”…
“Stephen I’m on it faster than a particle in the Hadron collider ”, I replied.
He spun around in his wheelchair but as he disappeared into the grey drizzly afternoon he took one last look over his shoulder at me, and we gave each other a knowing salute…….,Well, I never?

Day 14 and the door has been opened in true Punk style it's a little late and chaotic!

You’re probably not going to believe me when I tell you this (unless of course, someone’s ever put the willies up you?) but have you ever thought there is someone watching you when there’s nobody there? Well after today I can confirm that I DO believe in ghosts.
Earlier today I went outside to get an armful of dry kindling when all of a sudden I felt like I’d stepped into a fridge as an icy chill shot up my spine. I let out a shrill shriek and as I spun around there was an apparition of a man hovering above me in a 1950’s suit.
“Don’t be frightened” spoke the entity “I’m here to buy your Sigue Sigue Spoon Face Sterling Silver pendant  ” he said in an echoey voice.
“But…but…who are you?’  I stuttered.  
“I’m  the ghost of Robert Oppenheimer the inventor of the Atom Bomb and forefather of the Nuclear Missile” he spoke.
“I don’t understand” I said. “Why would you want to buy my hand-made pendant, and how could you possibly pay for it?”.
He replied “I’ve always loved Sigue Sigue Sputnik, especially their hit Love Missile F1-11 which reached No 3 in the charts in 1986. I really wish I had invented a ‘Love Missile’ instead of a Nuclear Missile. If I had I wouldn’t be stuck here in Purgatory for ever, although, to be fair I have found a way of manipulating online data from here and I’ve managed to deposit £79.99 into your Paypal account”…..
With that I took my phone out of my pocket and I could see that indeed, he had deposited the money into my Paypal account…
“I’ll get it for you now” I said as he held his hand out to me.
I placed the pendant in his open palm but it just fell through onto the grass beneath. I picked it up and tried again but to no avail. I tried for a third time but I could see the tormented look etched into his face as it fell onto the ground once more….
”Sh*t!.....Sh*t!.....F*CKING SH*T!...he said and disappeared as fast as he had appeared.
……..So if anybody wants to buy it,  it’s still for sale…..

Day 15 already! (remember all items in the 'Advert calendar' are real, and hand made/designed by me and are for sale) Pm me if you'd like to buy anything and click on my multitalentedartist page on Facebook and like and share for your chance to win a 'Hello Sh*tty'
solid 925 silver ring of a Kitty poking it's tongue out. Drawn randomly on Christmas Eve , Good luck! Also;  Please feel free to leave a comment here or on Facebook , I'd love to hear from you! ....

Facebook link

I nearly leapt out of my skin this morning when I was taking a bin bag outside and the loudest Trumpet Fanfare you have ever heard was sounded right next to me.
I jumped back 6 inches and it’s a good job I did, because I’d nearly put a full bin bag of rubbish on top of Her Royal Majesty the Queen! (The thing is I had read that when people had met her the first thing that had struck them was how petite she is?).
I fell to one knee and addressed her.
“Your Royal Majesty I am your humble servant. How can I be of help to you?”
“Well”, she replied.
 “My husband and I have a huge collection of priceless art works and I am continually adding to that collection. My aides tell me you are tipped to be the next big star in the world of Art”. “So I intend to buy something from you as I’m sure it will be worth thousands in the future”.
“As I shall be spending Christmas at Balmoral  I wish to buy something that will also be a Christmas Gift for my husband the Duke of Edinburgh .
We love Balmoral. Christmas in Scotland is a pure joy. We dress up in kilts; dance the Highland fling, have a dram of single malt whiskey whilst listening to the bracing sound of the bagpipes as we are watched over by The Monarch of the Glen. My mother was Scottish you know?
Yes I would like to purchase something with a Scottish theme for my husband,….a necklace possibly?. Yes; a necklace of a Scotsman in a kilt, made in Sterling silver on a ball chain perhaps? Do you have such a thing? Possibly, with a Haggis too?
I thought about the “Where’s my Haggis” necklace I had made in 925 Sterling Silver which I had listed for sale on my multitalentedartist facebook page, then quickly replied,
 “Erm…No, Your Majesty”.
Sh*t! she said. ‘In that case I’ll have some of your Special Brew cufflinks, Philip loves getting Royally Mortal!”….                                          Well, I never?

Advert Calendar Day 16.... How do you like it, Muddy or Green?
It's a Glastonbury Pyramid stage necklace!
(Thought for the day)....
I am very greatful to the 162 people who have liked my Facebook page multitalentedartist. However; in a desperate attempt to gain more 'likers' I have taken this photo of a kitten hostage, and am threatening to give it a badly photo edited ending unless I get more 'likes'....we shall see?... 

While I remember,...here's your Christmas Card.
It's called.....
       Peace on Earth.......Just don't look outside.
(notice the Dalek outside the window?...oh, and a Special Brew Earring!)

---

We have arrived at Day 17 , and I am struggling to keep it clean (I can feel my Art Tourettes kicking in again)

Well my life is turning into something of a remake of Charles Dickens’s ‘A Christmas Carol’. 
Not long after I had posted my ‘Eye’ necklace for sale today, I was visited by another spectre. Yep, two ghosts in a week. Only this one was a dandy if ever I’ve seen one!
“Who are you?” I enquired of my bewigged visitor.
“It’s me Casanova, I’m here to buy your 'Look of Love’ Eye Necklace” he replied.
"To be honest” I said “I have had problems in the past with payment and collection of goods where ghosts have been involved”. “Having said that, I can see why YOU would wish to buy ‘The look of Love’ necklace as history records you as supposedly being THE most romantic man EVER”.
“It’s not because it’s the ‘look of love’ that I wish to buy it", he said. “It’s because it’s the ‘eye’; yeah, I like to give the ladies the eye and then they fall at my feet”.
“Most of the time in my life I just drew an eye on a piece of paper with a biro and then gave it to them”, he said.
Blummin 'eck, you could say I was completely flabbergasted. 
“Well, I'M not falling for that!” I stated in no uncertain terms. “Be gone with you!" 
I will NOT; I repeat NOT tolerate anybody who is CORNEA than me!........and he was gone in the blink of an eye........Well, I never?..

Day 18 and it's 'Flying by'

I was just popping out to get tea-bags earlier, and guess what? Blocking my exit was this huge Angry Bird!...
“Oi! I’ve got a ‘bone’ to pick with you!” the owl said.
“Remember when I told you I was fed up with being a cute fluffy owl and how I wished you could turn me into an Eagle instead?” “And then I asked you to give me a huge pecker like an Eagle?, I MEANT beak , Beak not PENIS FFS!”.  “Didn’t you realize I was female?” “And to think, they call US bird-brained? You’ve turned me into a ‘Chick’ with a Dick!”...
“Oh dear I’m so sorry I had no idea my feathered friend”, I replied. “But to be honest, at a mere £64.99 you ARE going really cheep and I don’t think anybody else will notice”, I stated.
“No one will notice?” the bird replied. “It’s all over Twitter!”
(if you are enjoying my page please leave me a comment as I'd love to hear from you :-) )



'Advert calendar' Day 19

I was working away on my wooden necklaces this morning (made from the ancient oak tree ‘Gog’ which stands at the bottom of Glastonbury Tor). When I thought I saw a Leprechaun outside. I opened the door and standing there is this little fella with a moustache and a mullet and a massive grin on his face.
“Hello, can I help you?” I asked.
“Yes” he replied.
“I’m Ron Jeremy the legendary Porn Star and I’m here to get ancient wood”…..
Well, you can imagine my reply?…….

Day 20 is here, but it's Anonymous.... (and don't forget the fate of the photo of the kitten is in your hands and that 1 Ton weight is getting closer!) click on the link below to go to my facebook page to save it!

Multitalentedartist Facebook page

Day 21 of the 'Advert Calendar'
I was listening to local radio in my workshop today when The Crystals Da Doo Ron  Ron came across the airwaves. How funny I thought, here I am attaching crystals to a pendant and this song is playing. Life eh? When all of a sudden I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard an abrupt knock at the door. I leapt up to open it and I realized it was only Ron blummin’ Jeremy AGAIN!
“Blimey Ron you sure know how to put the willies up someone don’t you?” I said.
“Well I’m here to buy your  Sterling Silver ‘Good F*ck’ necklace” he said.
“I’m sorry Ron” I said, ”I’m afraid you don’t qualify for that necklace. You were paid to be in those films and those women were paid to engage with you, and to be honest I think you are more of a novelty act?”.
He started to mumble…“But”… “No Butts Ron!” I said, “You just don’t qualify for it!”……….
“Ok can I have some Special Brew cufflinks for the bargain price of just £9.99 then?” he asked.
“Ok, I’ll get you some now” I replied; but as I turned my back and bent down to get a pair of them, he whipped out a very large…….. sprig of mistletoe and looked at me like a hamster that wanted another chocolate chip cookie.
“Here’s your cufflinks!” I said.
“Now Do One Ron Ron…just Do One Ron!”
 
 
 
 

"Advert Calendar Day 22........

Sometimes it’s like Paddington station here, but you don’t see The Queen at Paddington Station very often and I’ve seen her twice this week, Yes!.
I opened a cupboard door in the workshop and there she was rummaging through my items.
“I need some jewellery to wear to Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding” she said. “Ok”, I replied. “What sort of thing do you like? I mean what are your interests?” .
​“Well I like Dawgs” she said. “I like short stocky dawgs and diamonds or crystals; yes, shorty stocky dogs with crystals, a necklace perhaps?... yes do you have any jewellery like that for sale?”
“Ah, Your Majesty, do you know the film Snatch?” I asked.
 “Yes one does “she replied. “That’s the film with Ron Jeremy in it, isn’t it?”
“Erm………Would you like some Special Brew Earrings?” I asked
 
 
 'Advert Calendar' Day 23......

“I am Donald Trump”, were the first words I heard today.
No Hello’s or Good Day Ma’ams. Just “I am Donald Trump and I am here to buy your ‘Well Hung’ Sterling Silver Necklace, because mine is this big”, he said holding his hands apart.
"Well I’ve heard that you are a fantasist with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder", I said. “Why should I sell it to you? I’ve already had emails from Ron Jeremy and Casanova asking to buy it”.
“Hey but I tell you what; you can have one of my stretched canvas prints to hang in your office as a good will gesture, they will be very valuable one day so you must hang this right in front of you so you can keep an eye on it, understand?” “Yes Ma’am”, he replied. “Oh it’s a beautiful bunch of flowers with the word ‘Reflections’ on it, that’s very apt as I am a beautiful flower”. “Yep” I replied. “You’re definitely one of those buds!”
 

Last chance to save the photo of the kitten!!!!! Just like and share my facebook page multitalentedartist to be in with a chance of winning ! Click on the button below..

multitalentedartist's Facebook link

'Advert Calendar' Day 24! (Say no more!)


​Last but not least Day 25...and it's a 'Special' one too!

 
Well it’s the last day of 2017 and it’s time to put away the ‘Advert Calendar’, and also say a sad farewell to the badly edited photo of the kitten.( A lovely lady called Lisa won the ring, I'm hoping she'll send me a pic of her wearing it).
 
I would like to thank all the people who have followed the calendar daily I'd also like to thank all the stars who made guest appearances in it  including :-

---

And Finally!

---

If you’ve enjoyed my blog please leave a message as it’s very lonely here in cyberspace, I might even reply if I can get this damned jacket off! X